The Night was Sultry

             I categorize life events as “BC”, Before Carl (my Dad) died and “AD”, After Death.  His death and my birth as a Caregiver were significant life events. 

BC I was like a cross between Ally McBeal, Charlotte York from Sex in the City, and Giada DeLaurentiis (not in terms of looks or cooking talent, but in terms of pride in Italian heritage). I was a good girl that grew up in a Long Island suburb, very proud of my very large, close-knit Italian family, and became a successful career woman. Once I worked for a Director who told me that she took two years off to care for her mother. I remember thinking I could never do that. The lesson there is that God will present opportunities to test your own metal and to do what you think you cannot do.

AD I was more like a cross between the Helen Harris character played by Kate Hudson in Raising Helen and the Owen character played by Danny DeVito in Throw Mama from the Train. These movies give an interesting portrayal of Caregivers, don’t they? Helen Harris takes on care of her nieces and nephew after the loss of her sister and brother-in-law, and must give up a career she loves and make changes to do so. “Raising Helen” is a great title because she gives up one life, which the character thought was pretty great, and raises herself to a new level of fulfillment and happiness. I can relate to this very much and was just reading about how, while the downside of Caregiving is largely reported with health issues and stress to the Caregiver, new studies are showing that Caregivers are a strong and resilient group, and there actually is some evidence to support that Caregivers go on to do alright by themselves (“caregiver gain”). 

         Where my life took on an “Owen-esque” quality wasn’t so much that I fantasized about “criss- cross” and having my Gramps killed or anything remotely like that –after all I was the granddaughter! Gramps and I got along beautifully 99% of the time. There were definitely those “the night was sultry moments” like in the movie, where I was struggling to figure something out, exhausted, couldn’t put it together, and with clarity Gramps would come out with the solution. I think we all have those “he’s in better shape than me moments!”  I became Owen-esque in terms of loneliness and isolation. That first year I took on a job working remote. I didn’t leave my home other than errands and a rare coffee with friends to try to sustain whatever relationships I could keep. I could not relate to them and small talk took serious effort. We were at a different place. I was in crisis. I was taking care of Gramps, and my Dad and Grandma were gone.  I was still grieving and in pain. Hearing about their job or marital issues seemed so distant to me.  I did not take good care of myself at all. Eating and sleeping didn’t happen. Showering was reserved for days where I had to venture out into public. Back then I felt no one understood what I was going through. I am sure you can relate.