Family Oriented

             Do you notice how many people say they are “family oriented?” I used to be one of them. I don’t use the term anymore, because, for starters, I feel it’s so overused it’s not meaningful. The other reason is that to be “family oriented” by definition you should like the company of your family members and enjoy spending time with them. I am not so sure that suits me anymore.

                BC, before my Dad Carl died, my family got together so frequently that I never understood families that needed family reunions. We had Sundays, and vacations, and in between we had traditions that included various festivals, special weekends, local theatre and shows, there was always a reason for a get together. My Dad was the glue that held the family together. He had long arms and short pockets and was a giver. He took care of everyone.

                When Dad died it was just Gramps and I. We were on our own. I didn’t get this at first. I assumed that my big, Italian, family-oriented family would pull together. I was wrong.

                My aunt, Gramps’ youngest daughter, said she couldn’t take care of Gramps because she had a bathtub and he wouldn’t be able to get into it. They sell tub sliders for this purpose, so I never understood that excuse. I told myself she couldn’t do it and that was okay. My other aunt, my Gramps’ oldest daughter, said she could take him if I couldn’t. I never really felt she wanted to help Gramps, but again, I felt she had her reasons and it was okay. I remember the first time I asked if she could come for the weekend (they live about a three hour drive away). I was still trying to live my old life and was throwing a baby shower for my girlfriend. It was so hard and, although I am happy I did it for my friend, it was a lot of work at a time where my heart and head just weren’t in it. So I made arrangements with my aunt about a month in advance to come watch Gramps. There I was with all this shower stuff, decorations, party games and favors, and the gifts, when I got the call from my Aunt saying she wasn’t coming. This was the beginning of the realization that Gramps and I were going it alone.

                The whole Caregiver experience taught me a lot of things. I learned there is more to being family oriented than gracing your family with your presence at a BBQ or Sunday dinner. There is more to being family oriented than showing up to an extended family get-together with lasagna. Being family oriented is about more than hanging out with family when it suits you, it’s fun-time, and you have nothing better to do. My definition of “family oriented” is about making a conscious effort to spend time with and enjoy your family members, even when it’s inconvenient and takes effort, and even sacrifice to help a family member in need. If everyone agreed on a similar definition, I wonder how many people would call themselves family oriented.