Move Along

             It’s hard to be friends with a Caregiver. For starters, the time we have for friends and fun is limited to say the least. We have a lot on our minds. There is a heaviness that is inherent in caregiving, and that isn’t easy for our friends and loved ones to understand. We lose interest in the frivolous because our reality requires we deal with some pretty heavy stuff. We think about death –a lot. We spend more time with doctors and nurses than friends and loved ones. You get the picture, it’s pretty bleak. To the fair-weather so-called friends, I simply say, if you don’t like what you see, than don’t look. Move along.

                I actually never said that to anyone, but believe me, I wanted to on many occasion. If I get real honest, so many people are no longer part of my life, that I wish in retrospect they moved along a lot earlier than they did because it would’ve been more honest and authentic for all of us.

                It’s uncomfortable to be friends with a Caregiver because we are all mirrors for each other. Caregivers are a glimpse at the future, one most people do not want to see. The truth is that most everyone will experience caregiving in some way, shape or form, at some point during their lifetime. Some experience caregiving earlier than others, and more to the point, earlier than the others around them care to face. We are creatures of comparison, and when we see someone taking care of their loved one, it doesn’t necessarily inspire, but sometimes it evokes fear of the future. It’s scary. “If caregiving could happen to them, it could happen to me.” No one wants to face adversity and when they see what we deal with, they don’t want to imagine it for themselves.

                There is a bit of advice I want to give you and I don’t want to dance around it. For those that stick around and remain your friends through this time, they are keepers. There are many other so-called friends that just can’t deal with it. Don’t desperately try to hold onto something, just let the relationship go. Let it go wherever it needs to go. It’s hard. You will go through anxiety, and concern, and try to hold on. You will try to make time, pretend nothing is wrong with your life, attempt to “feel like the old you”, make small talk, and so on and so on. That only prolongs the inevitable, which is that your life is different and the people around you, that love you have to accept that, and your relationship needs to adjust. If the relationship is not flexible, and is no longer working, don’t contort yourself or the relationship and try to make it something it is not. Let it go. Let them go. Wish them well. Move along.