Caregiver Combustion

               I’ve always been a good girl. I didn’t get in trouble in school, was a cheerleader with decent grades, generally liked. Same thing professionally, I have a good work ethic, and have been fairly successful. I feel I have to preface what I am about to tell you with this background information so you understand. When I became a Caregiver, there was this one time, well, I almost went to jail.

                I was feeling tense, I couldn’t tell you what was bothering me, but I didn’t feel well and thought a walk would clear my head. As I was walking, I started to see hundreds of papers swirling across the street and onto the grass. It was as if in a dream, where there just seemed to be paper everywhere. Could someone have thrown this out a window? I didn’t know what happened, so I started to pick up the paper. I saw it was all on a local hotel’s letterhead. You know what, I am just going to tell you because it serves them right – it was the Bonaventure Country Club. As I was cleaning up, I got angry. So I decided to pick-up as much as I could carry, I went home, got into my car, and drove to the hotel, where I proceeded to dump this paper on the front desk.

At this point, I was upset, but I was maintaining. I asked to speak to the manager. When he finally surfaced, he basically shrugged it off and was like, “I don’t know what you are talking about and what do you want me to do?” Now I can feel the anger building. So I told him I wanted him to pick up the paper. He denied any responsibility, and further, he had no interest in taking corrective action. There’s a clue into the crux of the issue. When I tell you, I went into a rage. I could have killed him. I don’t know how they didn’t call the police, because they said they would if I didn’t calm down. I was hysterical, crying, shaking, the whole bit. This was all new to me.

                When I finally composed myself, I had to question what was going on in my head, because I pride myself on being able to stay centered and maintain composure at all times. I was clearly cracking. The real issue here that made me crazy was the manager refusing to take responsibility and be held accountable. If you have been following this story, you know my Gramps has two daughters that did not take responsibility for his care. I didn’t realize how much this weighed on me because I told myself I wanted to help my Gramps and we were doing okay. In truth, there were days I resented it. I resented how much pressure my Dad was under when he took care of Gramps before he passed, and I resented that my supposed very close Italian family didn’t pull together. There was a lot lurking for a long time, and this poor hotel manager bore the brunt of it all.

Much like my aunts dodged their responsibility, I dodged a bullet that day without getting myself into a lot of trouble. Do not let yourself get to that point. There is no need to get so frustrated and upset that you explode. Seek help. Ask for help. Get respite care. Figure out how to make that happen. Talk to a professional. Let it all out and don’t take it out on your loved one, yourself, or others. Find a healthy outlet for whatever you are feeling.