Dorothy Disillusionment

               I became a Caregiver after my Dad died, a sudden, shocking event that lead to me taking care of my grandfather. Your path to becoming a Caregiver may have been due to someone you love’s death that made you “step in”, or maybe your path was different than mine, maybe your loved one became ill, maybe it was old age or even Alzheimer’s, or even a sudden accident. There are many life events that can put you on this path, but regardless, it is life changing for you and your loved one. The part that is a little harder to absorb is that it is NOT life changing for those around you. Let that sink in a moment. I am calling this “Dorothy Disillusionment” because when this realization hit me, I remember thinking about the Wizard of Oz and the famous, “We’re not in Kansas anymore.”

                I remember thinking that my big-happy-Italian family was going to help my grandfather and I. That bubble burst early, replaced with the harsh reality this was not going to be the case. I remember asking my Aunt, his daughter, why she doesn’t even call regularly? Her response was that when Grandma was alive she only called once in a while. Whoa! What?! Did she really think this was the same as when Grandma was alive? The answer was “yes” because for her, what changed? Nothing. She went back to her family and way of life. My world was shattered. Gramps’ world was shattered. Everyone else went back to business as usual.

                I definitely had a hard time when this realization struck. I was angry. Upset. Frustrated. Confused. I experienced every negative emotion in the book. You name it, I felt it. I could not get my brain around how everyone around me was still doing what they do, going about their lives and business. I mean, my Grandma died, my Dad died, life as I knew it ended. They were gone. Helloooo!

                I hate this quote, but here it goes, “life goes on.” We know this because, although they didn’t wake up the next day, I did. Gramps did. We were all still here, but we were different. Changed. It was vivid and painful for us all, but then the call of jobs, school, and life obligations kick in, and everyone gets back to doing what’s needed to do and move on. Some move on quicker than others. I felt stuck, and altered, but that doesn’t mean everyone else had to be too. It didn’t mean they didn’t love my Dad or Grandma less. It didn’t mean they didn’t love my grandfather or me. It’s just life. It’s reality. It is what it is. So, if you find yourself in shock and disillusioned by how quickly people rebound and seemingly move on, don’t be. Everyone grieves differently. It’s a process unique to every individual. Let them have their space, don’t focus on it or get stuck on it, just get on with it.