Goodbye to My Gramps

In memoria di mia Gramps, non ti dimentichero mai. Meglio un giorno da leone che 100 da pecora. La mia vita a modo mio.

Two years ago today, my Gramps left the few here on earth to join the many in heaven. My Caregiver journey ended, and it was one of the saddest days of my life. Someone told me death gets easier as you lose more people you love. This inoculation-like theory isn’t true from my perspective, each death is individual, and regardless of the person’s age or however full the life, it’s never enough time and it is always sad.

When I was younger, I was scared of losing my Gramps. There was a time where I would’ve said my biggest fear was losing my grandparents or my Dad. Now they are gone. The interesting thing about it is that, in my Gramps case, he was ready and somehow that helped me accept and almost get ready. I wouldn’t go so far to say I was actually ready to say our goodbyes, but he had fallen, and the outcome was clear. He was even saying he was ready and totally accepting. Even more interesting, he was saying it a week before his fall. I remember calling his daughter concerned because he said it was time to leave and go live with her. I didn’t know what was going on, but I remember being afraid and very clearly knowing something was wrong. I definitely felt his soul was detaching and something was about to happen. When he fell and things went the way they did, I realized the disease process was already doing its damage and I believe that is what caused the fall that day. It was very hard.

When he fell, I called the ambulance, but he wasn’t in pain –yet. We quietly went to the emergency room and we called his daughters. The worst was yet to come. As I was alone in the ER in walked our dear friends, Linda and Greg. I called them and they showed up – I didn’t have to ask. The very definition of friendship and love, and I remember being so grateful. I went and got some things and stayed at the hospital for days. The hospital staff literally went and got me a special recliner for sleep.

Gramps got a little better and we were discharged to a local rehabilitation center. It was a decent place, with a private room for Gramps to do rehab, but he couldn’t do it. A week later, I had to make the decision to send Gramps back to the hospital or to hospice. It was heavy for me, but really, there were no options and there was no decision at all if I get honest. We went to hospice and Gramps was comfortable. The people were extraordinary. They asked me if I wanted to be there when he passed. I told them I didn’t think he wanted me there. I went home. I got the call. I never would’ve imagined the day would come when I would be prepared for my Gramps’s death, however, seeing him the way he was, I believe God prepared me for what was to come, and I definitely didn’t want him to suffer.

Today, I honor my Gramps. When I get sad, I imagine him in heaven with my Dad cooking him his favorite meals, and his dance card filled with my two Grandmas. He can play cards with Milty, his best friend, and all his goombas. He is better off. I miss my Gramps. I had the greatest grandparents, their love is always with me, and I am grateful.