Atonement

                I watch the movie “Atonement” on Mother’s Day every year, and I always have a good cry. My mother had a complicated pregnancy and she died having me. It was explained to me that she died and I was born, and somehow in my young mind that meant I killed my mother. I always have this guilt around her death. Why did she have to die at 21 years young? If she lived, my Dad and my Mom could’ve had other kids, so I just do not understand it. This is one of my first lessons in loss, life happens, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. Further, if you have faith that everything happens for a reason, and for a higher good, you would not want to change anything.

When it comes to my Mom, while I have faith there is a reason for everything, I admit I wish things turned out differently. I believe if she lived she would have been my best friend. Admittedly, it hurts me a little to see mothers and daughters at brunch today, as that is something I will never experience. I always wanted to know if she knew me or if our souls met as I was coming into this life and she was leaving. I saw the medium James Van Praagh once, and he changed my life with these few words, “She’s coming to me as a mother.” He went on to tell me things, that I will always be grateful. Say what you will about mediums, and psychics or intuitives, but I believe there are people with gifts. Maybe we all have the gift, but some people develop it more than others. Regardless of your beliefs around metaphysics, I personally left that brief interaction feeling better, with a new found belief that all questions ultimately get answered.

Today, I want to honor mothers, the original Caregivers. Mothers have the capacity to give great love, and they are extraordinary in all they do for their children and families. Women have months to prepare for their new role as “mother” and can mentally get ready for being responsible for a new life. It is still overwhelming, and I believe caregiving in all its forms is hard. Mothers well deserve this day of recognition.

God bless mothers. God bless my own mother. I thank her all the time for giving me life, and my prayer is that I carry on her legacy.  When I do a small act of kindness, I am told by family that I am just like my mother, and it is always a thrill for me to hear it. They say acts of kindness are long remembered after they are given, and people remember my Mom by her sweetness and consideration. That makes me happy.

Maybe there is nothing to atone for, but I always feel sorry for her passing, and I will probably always feel responsible somehow. In the movie, the main character writes a happy ending, to give the two lovers what they deserved, but never got in the real life. I believe in eternal life and in my mind, my Mom and Dad are together now, in heaven, looking down, sharing my life, and they are happy.

Happy Mother’s Day!