Obligation

           Obligation is the singular word that motivated me to do many things throughout my life. I have always felt a heavy responsibility to “do the right thing” and what that meant varied, but generally there was a decision tree that started with family and had no room for individuality. If my family expected me to be present at various events, showers, weddings, birthdays or BBQs, I attended. Not because I really wanted to go to all these things, but I felt I had to go. It was expected.

My girlfriend and I were just talking about her invitation to an upcoming baby shower, where she has no interest in going because she has been working through infertility health issues. She doesn’t feel up for it, but feels obligated to do what the family expects she should do. She says she is a “pleaser”, as am I, so I understand the desire not to disappoint people, and to make the effort to do what is expected. My fear of disappointing others is another deep motivator, and when that is paired with obligation, I do whatever needs to be done.

                I did not become a Caregiver out of a sense of obligation per se. I was only the grandchild, and as my cousin reminds me, I “disrupted the pecking order” in that Gramps’ had two grown daughters that really should’ve been responsible for his care and the decisions around his care. I definitely felt a responsibility to my family, and that is always present. However, specifically, I didn’t take care of Gramps out of obligation, as much as feeling a responsibility to stand by my grandfather and help him because I loved him. He was very dear to me and my grandparents always loved and supported me. Loyalty and love guided my decision to be a Caregiver.

                The difference between doing something out of obligation v. loyalty and love is the self-check to determine if you want to do the task at hand. If you really do not want to do it, and you are going to do it anyway, that is doing it out of obligation. If you want to help, even though you don’t know what you are getting yourself into, that is loyalty and love for the person. I do believe that obligation has its place, because I think without a sense of obligation, I fear it is human nature to take the easy way out of things, and that would not be good for anyone. There were times where Caregiving was overwhelming, but I still did it, and that is another aspect – commitment. Once you’re in it, you’re in it.

                I am reminded of a story about Jackie Kennedy immediately following the assassination of her husband, when it came time to swear in Lyndon B. Johnson. LBJ wouldn’t leave without Jackie, and she wouldn’t leave Dallas without her husband’s body, so they waited and then did the swearing-in on the plane. Jackie took her place next to LBJ in that famous photo, and she was quoted as saying she knew she had to do it because of her role, as First Lady, and it was important “for history.” A good example of where obligation meets love and loyalty of country.

                Doing something out of obligation isn’t always a bad thing, but you can’t do it all the time. You have to be honest with yourself and evaluate what it is you need and want, and then decide what to do. You don’t have to say “yes” to doing something. “Doing the right thing” sometimes means doing right by yourself too.