Any Excuse Will Do

                I learned many things as a Caregiver, and one of the hardest lessons was that any excuse is better than none – in some people’s minds. In my mind, I tell myself any excuse they make will do. The bottom line is that, when people want to do something, they make it happen. When people don’t want to do something, they make excuses. There really is no in-between.

                That plays out in many forms in caregiving. When people want to support you and help your loved one, they show up. They may not know what to do to help, but the will offer whatever they can –a phone call, a visit, a card, a loaf of fresh baked bread, fig cookies they know are always welcome. Anything. And you know, any and every gesture is appreciated.

When people don’t want to help, you will know it. They won’t show up. That’s your first clue. They will make excuses as to why they are too busy, or they will turn it on you, that your struggles are your own fault. When I asked for help because I was struggling, I was told that I should’ve known this was going to be hard, because they told me it would be, and I wanted to do this, so I should not to be a “martyr.” Yep. Nice, right? Actually, I wasn’t “told” I was screamed at in the most ugly, hysterical scene ever, in front of my Gramps in our own home. It was awful.

I was told by Daughter # 2 that she couldn’t take care of her Dad, because she had a bathtub, and he wouldn’t be able to get in and out of it. Never mind they make sliders and there are ways to handle transfers, it didn’t matter. I was hurt on behalf of Gramps then, but I just laugh now. It’s funny! (in a sad, pathetic way). I am sorry she felt she had to come up with that excuse, because a simple “I don’t want to do it” would’ve been more authentic, as bad as it would’ve sounded to hear. She didn’t say those words, but she said those words in essence, right?

I learned that whatever the excuse, the bottom line is that they didn’t want to do it and they felt they couldn’t do it. When I tell you that “any excuse will do”, I say that because I recognize that there is no point in belaboring the obvious – it won’t change things. Once people come up with their excuse they become pretty attached to it, and it becomes logical in their mind that they cannot do what you are asking. So, in essence, you are on your own. They are out. You are in. That is that.

And you know, I feel like it’s alright. I mean, it’s not “right”, in a moral-stand-up-character sense, but it works out alright, because when you step forward the most amazing thing happens, God’s got your back and will send angels your way to make sure you have everything you need. Let other people make excuses. God makes miracles. Together, with God’s blessings, you will make it all happen exactly the way it is supposed to happen. Amen!