I'll Be There

I am watching Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” movie, which documents his rehearsals for the final curtain call tour, one that never happened. As we know, MJ died of a drug overdose, so this show can only be seen in the movie. His lyrics are moving and magical, but one song inspired me tonight, “I’ll Be There.” Aren’t those great words? If Caregiver’s had a theme song, this would be the song they would sing to their loved one. I love the lyrics, “Where there is love/I’ll be there/I’ll be there to protect/with unselfish love that respects you/let me fill your heart with joy and laughter/just call my name/ and I’ll be there.”

At first, I was going to blog that the best words a Caregiver can hear are “I’ll Be There”, but changed my mind. It’s future-ing, and as anyone disappointed in the past can tell you, people make promises, well intentioned, that they do not keep. The words, “I’m here for you” are slightly better. The best words a Caregiver can hear, aren’t words, their silent deeds. The friends and family that just show up, with arms open, offering to help. The card that comes in the mail, the call, the effort that someone makes to let you know they are in it with you. Sounds easier than it actually is, this I know. It takes effort for people to take the time to help others, because everyone’s so busy, and a little more disconnected, and maybe a little more selfish with their time.

For the people that do support you, say a “thank you”, and make a mental note of the kindness. Those are the relationships worth your time and effort. Someday, they may need some help and you will show your love, without words. You will show up. “You’ll be there.”

Buyer Beware - Online Drugs

I was watching the news this morning when a warning came out about buying drugs online. The particular drug they spoke about was Adderall, a powerful, potentially habit forming drug made of a combination of dextroamphetamine and amphetamine.  It is used to treat ADHD, Attention Deficit, Hyperactivity Disorder, and even narcolepsy. When I first saw the news story, my initial reaction was that this is nonsense, that people with drug problems were just seeking a high, and the internet was the easiest way to get the narcotics. Now, that may be true for some people, but I am certain there are people that have a legitimate condition and they buy drugs online because it’s cheaper and easier. It can also be dangerous.

First, you need a prescription to get drugs you need legitimately. There are exceptions, but that is a good rule of thumb. If you can purchase a drug online, and they don’t ask for a prescription, ask questions as it’s probably not legitimate.

The other good tip is that if they mis-spell the drug name, run. It’s not legitimate. It’s not just a typographical error on a website, it’s a counterfeit.

Legitimate website’s like known pharmaceutical companies, and even myrxadvocate.com, have patient assistance programs where you can apply online to get deep discounts.

Buying drugs from other countries, like Canada, is also on the rise through the Internet making it easy. Again, the best advice is to do your homework and make sure it is legitimate.

            If you pursue this route and decide to get drugs online, be smart and do your homework. You don’t want to make the mistake of buying a drug and finding out later it is a counterfeit and now you have gone a period of time without the help you need.

The Limits That Lurk

               So much has been written already about living a limitless life, and the common thing that all the experts will tell you is there is only one thing standing between you and what you want to accomplish is yourself. That is true, but I think the concept of a “limitless life” is a fallacy. I think it’s more important to explore the limits that lurk in your life and understand the underlying conditions by which you hold yourself back. Limitations usually stem from obligation, fear, comparisons to others, guilt and many other negative thoughts. If you truly want to overcome this negativity, and push the boundary of the self-imposed limits, the best way to do that is to change your thinking about a situation and about yourself. It requires a paradigm shift and there is nothing easy about it.

                Many Caregivers isolate and feel alone and even trapped. They feel they cannot socialize like they used to before they became Caregivers and they box themselves in. These limitations are not easy to overcome, but if you truly want to broaden your horizons, it can be done with effort and focus on the thing that you want. If you want to figure out a way to get back out there and be with friends and go out, you need to outline the things that you can do –what you are willing to do – to remove this block. It can be done, but it is not easy. It is a worthy exercise to think about the areas in your life where you feel stuck or limited and come up with an action plan to make the changes necessary to move forward and overcome your limitations.

There's Always Time

            I have a handy-man-turned-friend that I worked with to renovate my home and Gramp’s home after he passed. Today we were catching up, and I was telling him that I have been busy working and getting some extra hours, and he was saying he still does the side jobs in addition to his fulltime job. He made a comment about how he can fit it all and said, “there’s always time.” I love that thought! He also talked about how the side gigs are never consistent, which is good from his perspective, because it allows for some downtime in between jobs. The two things that struck me are the “always time” comment and the fact he looked at the inconsistency between jobs as a good thing, a much needed thing because it affords him a break, rather than look at it as a negative when things are slow.

                I decided that, rather than focus on how “I don’t have time”, I am going to make time and affirm for myself, “there’s always time.” I think this exercise can be life-altering! As a Caregiver, I felt like there was never enough time. We all get the same 24/7, but someone, my list of demands couldn’t be balanced against the 24 hours. I was always racing against the clock –and losing!

                It takes practice to be strategic about your schedule and sequencing what-happens-when. There are lots of things that have to get done –but they don’t all have to get done in one day. Further, sometimes procrastination leads to not needing to do the task at all!  (This won’t always be the case, but I have had this happen and its always a surprise on how many things that I think are necessary, that if I neglect, I learn are not needed).

Always take the time to spend with your loved one. Have meals together. Talk to one another about your day and what is going on in life. These are the building blocks of happy memories and you will never regret the time you spent together. Make it happen! Make the time!

Build a Bridge

         I plan to make my way to Crissy Field shortly to join the thousands of others wishing the Golden Gate Bridge a “Happy Bridge Birthday!” There are a lot of festivities around the 75^th birthday of the bridge, including fireworks and a concert by Mickey Hart. Before I venture into party mode, I thought I would share some thoughts around the difficulties of being a Caregiver, and that is other people’s negative comments and misunderstandings.

I have written a few times about the hurt I felt at comments made about how I should have realized it would be hard to take care of Gramps, and that Gramps and I were on our own, often unsupported. (I won’t say “always” without support, because that discounts the friends and the folks that did what they could to make us feel connected). When people hurt your feelings, your reaction to the hurt is your choice. You cannot control what they say or do, but you can control yourself. It’s the Serenity Prayer, “Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I cannot decide if the thought of “changing people” is an oxymoron or a fool’s errand to even attempt, but either way, I do know it falls into the category of things that you cannot change. Once you accept the person for who they are and what they are saying, you have a choice to walk away, or to try to get over the hurt. You can choose to “build a bridge and get over it.”

                In honor of the Golden Gate Bridge, I wanted to leave you with that option. You can reach out and work on the relationship, and get over the hurt. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, and you can remain hurt, you can heal in time, or you can move on from the relationship, the options are finite not infinite. If you value the relationship, do whatever you can do to change your own thinking, keep your heart open, and bridge the gap between you and your loved one.

                Happy 75^th Birthday, Golden Gate Bridge! Let the good times begin!

Peaceful Easy Feeling

I am not sure if it’s because I am on vacation in San Francisco, the land of hippies, with the Bay Area, and famously, Haight Ashbury home to the Merry Pranksters and later the Grateful Dead, but this is a very peaceful place. I had an epiphany I wanted to share with you all and it’s simply this, it’s easy to be peaceful, when life is easy. Not that anyone’s life is really “easy” as there are always challenges, and no one’s life is perfect. However, when you face adversity, and are dealing with difficulties, and sadness, and struggling, it’s hard to be at peace. Maybe impossible. I think you can attain moments of peacefulness, but unlikely you can sustain. We are not Buddha. When the challenges are removed, it’s easier to get into the energy stream and let life take you where you need to go. Go with the flow, sorta speak.

I often say, my life these days is easier than it was, but there is always an underlying sadness that I cannot shake. I have written many times about death and loss, and everyone says time heals, but I have to say, for me, there are moments where the sadness overcomes me, and I struggle with grief, almost like the loss happened yesterday. I love the quote by Mrs. Kennedy, and I am paraphrasing, but she says time heals all wounds, but she disagrees; in time the wound heals, but the pain remains. For me, life got easier, but sadder, if that’s a word.

I am going to end this blog early today, before I get myself worked up. I am on vacation in San Francisco, and there is no better distraction than spending the day with my childhood friend, with her two children, the Wharf, and Ghiradelli tempting me. It’s easy to switch gears to prevent the downward spiral, with the Bay breeze calling, and chocolate mints on my bed pillow at night. With that, I am venturing out and on with the day. Enjoy your weekend!

Memorial Day Weekend in San Francisco!

                I am in San Francisco for the weekend, visiting dear friends, and just enjoying life. I rode to the hotel on a shuttle I shared with a couple from New Zealand. They were delightful! They told me all about their travels and their adventures that took them all over the world. They spotted a little red mustang convertible and they were so excited! They told me they rented one while on vacation, years ago, and it was the best money they ever spent. I thought that sounded like so much fun! I was in awe of their lifestyle, truly inspired, and I told them as much. The wife told me it took a lot for them to plan this trip (SF was their first stop in a two-month jaunt). She told me something, I will never forget, she said, “You have to live life with imagination!” Words to live by!

                As a Caregiver, my imagination wasn’t all too active or wild. I often dreamed of quiet, relaxation time, but beyond that, I wasn’t fantasizing about trips to, well, New Zealand! Now, I have a lot of free time, in between work, and I can go wherever I want to go. “Free” is a word I embrace and value. I have the freedom to take care of myself, be myself, and live a “care-free” life. The “Life of Riley” I believe it’s been called.

                This Memorial Day weekend, I want to kick-off with a gratitude prayer to everything that happened to me, for me, and because of me, thus far, that put me on this journey, and landed me here in this space at this time. As I sit in a hotel room overlooking Fisherman’s Wharf, I am grateful. Not just for the life I am making for myself, but for how my family and friends helped me get to this place.

                On an even more serious note, I want to kickoff Memorial Day weekend with gratitude for all the men and women who served and continue to serve this great country, so I can enjoy this wonderful life, in an amazing country, that affords me opportunities to enjoy life. Some people don’t enjoy life, they are in survival mode, with each day bringing new difficulties. I have never experienced anything on that level. Further, I don’t have to worry about religious persecution, or live in fear that this very blog and my words will get me thrown in jail, or worse, killed. I have these precious freedom-gifts because of our military, and I acknowledge them, and I thank all of them.

                Thank you, to all the men and women serving our armed forces, past, present and future. God Bless America!